xoxo gossipgirl

let it be: rest in peace daddy <3 ⇢

this past week has been the hardest of my life. here is an attempt to let my feelings out since i cant sleep.
my dad passed away exactly a week ago today. november 15th, 2011. his death was very unexpected and tragic. i went to school like any normal day, but the whole day i had this anxiety that something bad was going to happen. when i got home i tried to take a nap so i can shake this feeling and the next thing i knew i was getting woken up by my sisters saying that there were three cops at the door. when i went downstairs i saw my dads partner (he was a cop), another partner of his (from a security business he works with), and my dads boss. i was really disoriented considering i had just woken up. i was also extremely shaken up to see police officers (all in uniform) in my house and police cars in my driveway. i knew that my dad was in trouble. the first thing that came to my mind was that they were going to arrest my dad. i knew that police officers have been getting arrested a lot lately from all the fraud stuff going on and even though i knew my dad would never have done something like that, i thought that they were there to arrest him. i was trying to cooperate with the officers without giving them any information incase it could be used against him. my mom wasnt home and i was the oldest sibling there so i tried to take charge. i remember one of my dads partners trying to be calm and saying to me “hi melissa, we are just trying to get in touch with your mom”. all i said was ok and immediately called her cell phone about 30 times. my two younger sisters were trying too. i thought her phone had died because it kept on going to voicemail. i knew she was at a retirement party with her friends from work so i went on her facebook and looked up some of her friends phone numbers. i gave my sisters a few numbers to call while i was looking on facebook. at this point, both of my dads partners who are like family/friends to us had stepped out (they must have gotten emotional and did not want to show us) and i still had no idea why the officers were at my house. so i was trying to figure it out as best i can on my own. i went on my dads facebook page and saw rest in peace messages to him. i stood there shaking in shock for about a minute before i said anything and then i screamed at my dads boss asking if it was true. at first he did not answer. my sisters and i were hysterical. we kept on screaming and then he walked in and read what we had saw. he did not want to tell us what happened. he kept on asking us to sit down but we wouldnt listen. finally, he told us that my dad was in a car accident and had passed away. the rest was like a scene out of a movie. the two partners had seen us crying and walked into the house again. i kept on screaming asking millions of questions. the next thing i knew, my neighbors (who are like second parents to us) were there. then one of my best friends dad (who was also very close with my dad) was there. my mom still didnt know that my dad died so my neighbor had us pack some overnight bags just in case we had to go somewhere to stay overnight. then all of a sudden one of my best friends was at my house. and then my aunt came with my cousins and then another aunt/uncle/cousins and then more friends and my house was suddenly pact with a bunch of people trying to support us. somehow the police found out where my mom was and sent a police car to go get her. they didnt tell her anything when they picked her up. she was brought to the hospital to find out the news. both sets of my grandparents (who are neighbors) met her there and decided to just come home altogether. we later found out that the real cause of death was some sort of heart attack/failure that happened while he was driving that caused a minor car accident. we are still not sure of the actual cause but there is more information about his death here.

it was the most sad to see my mom and grandparents so upset. this experience was so traumatic. i wouldnt wish all the anxiety and panic attacks on my worst enemy. i threw up all night i didnt eat for days. i just wanted to lay in silence with my best friend and try to pretend this didnt happen. not only did we not see this coming but we also never were able to tell him how we really feel about him. i always went through life (like a normal teenager) and never told my parents how much i love them and how thankful i am for them. the last time i spoke with my dad i told him to fight me. which was typical of our relationship. we always joked in those ways and i know he knew that i didnt really mean it but i wish that i had said something else like i love you or thank you.

to whoever is reading this- i hope you know that tomorrow is not guaranteed. be good to your parents/sisters/brothers/family/friends/etc. you have no idea what i would do to go back one week and change that. also, if one of my friends/family members are reading this- thank you. i could never repay you guys for your amazing support during these tough times. it means so much to me and my family. we love each and every one of you.

i am happy to say that my dad had the most beautiful funeral with thousands of people. enough to shut down the entire Long Island Expressway… he would have gotten a kick out of that. he always loved a big production and he deserved just that.

i also learned how much he meant to many people. so many people have told me this past week that he was their hero and that he was their inspiration. he truly was and always will be an angel. rest in peace daddy. we love you SO much!

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rest in peace daddy <3